In Part 1 of this piece, I made the shameful confession that, even though I was bullied when I was young, I bullied others as a means to avoid feeling like I was at the very bottom of school pecking order. It’s nothing I’m proud of and something I have to live with the rest of my days. I make no excuses for my reprehensible behavior then.
What I want to continue to discuss further today is why the target of bullying would turn to bullying others.
After being bullied and hurt for so long, we withdraw from others and put up a barrier. We turn cold and harden ourselves to numb the pain of rejection. And before long, we regard and suffering of others with indifference. We just don’t give a damn about how they feel or what they think—even the people who love us. We no longer have any respect for others, much less ourselves. Lastly, we come to that dark place we secretly, or openly, take pleasure in seeing others suffer.
I can say this because I was there. I allowed my bullies to change me from a caring, loving child to an evil, spiteful teenager. Because of the years of torment inflicted on me, I became angry and full of bitterness and spite. I went from being friendly and accepting of everyone, to a cruel, cold, heartless creature who perhaps to some was gorgeous, but only on the outside.
I was ugly and rotten on the inside.
Because I had been bullied, I did my share of bullying. Because I had been judged, I callously judged others. Because I had been picked apart, I picked others apart, right down to the bone. Because I was miserable, I wanted someone else to be more miserable.
I learned heartlessness from my own bullies.
I was meticulous and cunning. Yes, there were times when I got caught and was punished, but there were far, far more times I avoided accountability for the pain I inflicted.
I’m sorry to say I used to get my kicks seeing others’ friendships and relationships end. I would instigate fights between other people, then sit back and watch proudly what I referred to at the time, “my handiwork.” I remember watching two girls, who I had very carefully over time turned against each another, duke it out between themselves while I was careful to conceal my laughter and pride in what I’d done to them with a false look of concern.
Why did I do this? Because I had no real friendships and I was jealous of theirs. I wanted to destroy their friendship in order to feel like I was not the only one without a good friend. I wanted to inflict pain on them because I was in pain—it always feels so much better to have someone else suffering along with you than to suffer alone.
I was in a very dark place then. But I’m happy to say that I eventually dug myself out of that hole and today I truly enjoy seeing others happy and fulfilled. No one will ever again put me back in that place…ever! Not my former classmates, not my coworkers, not a neighbor, not a husband or boyfriend…no one!
You don’t have to change your personality and become a monster like I did to survive. There are better ways to achieve those results.
(To be continued)
Cherie White, both a writer and author, joined the team after being discovered by Brian through her own personal blog and through social media. She has been writing ever since she was ten years old and has a love for writing articles, short stories and novels. She became intrigued with the new Pyngby app because it helps victims pinpoint victims and their harassers for easy protection and litigation if need be. Because she experienced severe bullying from sixth grade until changing schools during her last year of high school, she has a passion for spreading bullying awareness and helping those who are bullied and abused today. Her goal is to bring down the suicide rate among bullied children, teens and young adults. Her debut novel, “From Victim to Victor” is available now at LuLu. Cherie looks forward to helping victims through Watchdog Creative.
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